Here is a list of things I think are horseshit when it comes to babies.
1) SOCKS. Putting treads on the bottom of newborn socks. Who the fuck thought of that and where do you think she is going? She doesn't fucking walk jackass! They are just rubber points of contact glued on there so that I lose my shit while she is losing her shit while I can't get pants on my daughter. Have you ever tried dressing someone while they tap dance? Same thing.
2) MUSIC. I want to grab the inventor of the xylophone and grind his melon across the fucking keys. The only way you can tolerate this instrument is Rockabye Baby. A collection of popular music performed in a soothing lullaby manner with xylophones. Beach Boys, NIN, Tool, and Nirvana are just some of many. The other saving grace is that Quinn prefers to listen and dance to the Oldies Jukebox and not JoJo the Freakin Circus Pet. Who knows how long that will last.
3) FEEDING. My daughter goes from 0-100 in a second when it comes time to eat. She will give you about a half minute to clue into what she wants. Haven't figured it out yet Dad? How about I just........LOSE MY MIND! BOTTLE! FOOD! WHERE IS IT! I AM FUCKING STARVING! Holy shit child. We have never NOT given you a bottle. She acts like an starving child being held captive in front of a buffet. I swear one of these times, her head is just going to burst Scanners style or pop off like the dandelion song. "Quinn lost her shit and her head ...popped off".
4) DROOL. Where is the shutoff valve? It just keeps coming and coming and coming. I sat Quinn in her vibey chair and made a quick lunch. I swear it was 5 minutes. I walked back to a baby who looked like she was licked by a fucking cow. Where? When? Then you have to peel off the soaking sleeper. All the while, she is smiling. Having the time of her life.
Here are the things that are NOT horseshit.
1) SMILES. Nothing will melt your heart quicker than your baby smiling back at you just because you are there. An absolutely amazing feeling that will make you ignore her socks.
2) BABY TALK. She doesn't use words but she sure can tell a story. The facial expressions change. The arms flail around. It might be time to get her some sticks and a xylophone. NEVER and if anyone ever buys one for a gift, do not be surprised if it is embedded into your windshield when leaving the residence. It's the thought that counts.
3) SLEEPERS. Of the non-drool covered variety. Nothing cuter than a baby in a sleeper. SEARS and COSTCO have great cheap varieties. You can never have enough sleepers and onesies. You will also become an expert stain remover. This is just the apprentice level prepping you for the blood, juice, and grass stains that around the corner.
4) SLEEPING BABY. (cricket cricket)
